Over the course of 25 years as an adoption attorney, I have found myself repeating the following ten principles of advice for achieving a successful private adoption.

  1. You and the birth parents deserve to be treated with respect and compassion.  
    As a result of the very emotional nature of the adoption process, you and the birth parents are extremely vulnerable. Since you all want to act ethically and humanely, you should treat each other with respect and compassion. It is equally important to demand that attorneys, doctors, agencies, and social workers involved in your adoption treat you with respect and compassion as well.
  2. Come out of the closet and broadcast your decision to adopt.  
    Once you decide to adopt, make the adoption your central focus, and be proactive. Tell and write to as many people as possible about your desire to adopt – friends, family, acquaintances, business associates, doctors, dentists, teachers, clergy, congregants, nurses, social workers, counselors, college roommates. And ask anyone you contact to  spread the word of your adoption crusade. In addition, you should advertise in newspapers and on the Internet.
  3. Keep it safe. Keep it legal.
    Almost all of the practical aspects of your adoption have legal importance. Before you take any action, choose an experienced adoption attorney so that you will be able to finalize your adoption safely and legally in your state court. IAC Center, the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, and support groups, such as the Adoptive Parents Committee .
  4. It ain’t over ’til it’s over, but once it’s over, it’s over.
    One of the most pressing concerns for adoptive parents is ending birth parents’ rights once the adoptive parents have custody of a child. Both New York and New Jersey adoption laws provide for quick, informed ending of birth parents’ rights. Generally in a private adoption, adoptive parents connect with a pregnant woman and make an  adoption plan with her during the pregnancy. However, birth parents’ rights are not terminated until after the baby is born. You should proceed with optimism, but with a realistic understanding that the birth mother may choose not to place the baby for adoption. Continuing to explore all leads is always helpful until a child is placed for adoption with you. Once the birth parents’ rights are ended (generally within a week or two after the baby’s birth), the birth parents cannot come back to reclaim the child.
  5. The first healthy baby is the best baby for you.
    Don’t second guess yourself. If you have the opportunity to adopt a healthy baby, act immediately and do not pass up the chance for an adoption because you have heard about another situation that might appear more attractive.
  6.  You have to connect the dots.
    Remember connect-the-dots coloring books from childhood? As you began connecting the numbered dots, the picture emerged, but you usually recognized what the image would be even before you were finished. To spot an adoption scam, you need to connect the dots, the clues that let you know whether a birth parent, attorney or agency is legitimate. Support groups for adoptive parents like the Adoptive Parents Committee are invaluable in helping your obtain reliable referrals. The home study process is another way to obtain reliable adoption referrals from the social workers who visit with you. Once you retain an experienced adoption attorney in your state, he or she will help you screen birth parents. Listen to your attorney’s advice.
  7. Expenses are a legal issue. 
    The goal is that you succeed in your adoption with a minimum of risk, both financial and emotional. You should never give money to a birth mother. Your attorney will approve and monitor all expenses, which will be paid through an attorney trust account. Although you can pay for the birth mother’s medical expenses, many birth mothers qualify for Medicaid and some have medical insurance. Your medical insurance will cover the baby from birth, but not the birth mother. In addition, you can pay for the birth mother’s counseling, reasonable living expenses during the pregnancy and recovery, and legal  expenses.
  8. Objective information is key.
    Your attorney will help you evaluate whether a potential birth mother is pregnant and committed to an adoption by speaking with her and sending her a social and medical history questionnaire and an authorization for release of her prenatal medical records.  Once your attorney receives the completed questionnaire and signed medical release, he or she will obtain the birth mother’s prenatal medical records and forward them to you with the social and medical history. You will have your doctor will review the medical information and advise you about the baby’s health.
  9. Establish a relationship with the birth mother.
    The best way to ensure that a birth mother is committed to the adoption plan is to establish a caring relationship with her. Adoptive parents usually set up a weekly phone  call with the birth mother during the pregnancy and meet with her (without revealing their identities if they wish) before placing the child for adoption. Connecting with the birth mother is the best way to obtain background information for your child. After the baby is placed for adoption, adoptive parents can exchange letters and photos with birth parents by email without disclosing their identity.
  10. Never give up hope.
    Do not allow yourself to be discouraged by setbacks. Remember that you are one lucky email, text, or phone call away from your dream. Everyone who continues to work toward an adoption will succeed

© 2014 Robin Fleischner  2
By Robin Fleischner, Esq. 2

© 2014 Robin Fleischner 2  By Robin Fleischner, Esq.2
Robin Fleischner ( has dedicated her legal career to forming families
through adoption, surrogacy, and assisted reproduction. She became an adoption attorney in 1986 as an
outgrowth of adopting her two sons and is licensed to practice law in New York, New Jersey, and
Pennsylvania. She was instrumental in helping amend New Jersey’s adoption laws in 1994 to reflect
modern practices while protecting the rights of all parties. Robin has handled over 1,500 adoptions and is
nationally known for her expertise in adoption matters. She is a fellow of the American Academy of
Adoption Attorneys, the American Academy of Assisted Reproductive Technology Attorneys, the LGBT
Bar Association Family Law Institute, the New Jersey Academy of Adoption Attorneys, and the New York
Academy of Family Formation Attorneys. 1

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Based in Pennington, NJ